Way Back In The Last Century…1984

My first child was born in 1984. I never questioned anything the professionals told me. I just did what I was told. So by default, I was pro-vax PLUS, all the way up through my first five kids. I happily enrolled them in studies for new vaccines and got paid for it. The chicken pox vax was just one of those studies.

I enrolled four of my kids in the study, thinking how awesome it was that we got to take part in something that would benefit mankind. I didn’t question the safety or efficacy. I believed it had to be safe, because they wouldn’t dare inject a child if it wasn’t, right? The result: Three of my kids still got chicken pox. Getting pox was not supposed to happen, so they sent researchers to our house to document, take pics, count the pox, and chart the illness. This was the first red flag. My oldest never got the pox, but he's pretty convinced that he's not immune either - since the vaccine didn't work for his brothers. Is he at risk as an adult? After that, we just didn't bother with the chicken pox vaccine (since it seemed useless) for the rest of our kids and just let them get the pox (since for us the disease was mild). We even hosted and participated in ‘pox parties.’

Second red-flag event, 1993: Our 5th son was forever sick as a baby. One ear infection after another. Constant rounds of antibiotics. It wasn't long before I noticed a trend. He'd get his vaccines that month and immediately come down with another infection. His eardrums would rupture, and green stuff would ooze out of his ears and dry his head to his blanket. He was miserable and barely ever slept. And he’d be right back on antibiotics again.

I went to the library (no internet back then) to research my theory that perhaps the vaccines were messing with his immune system. I'd never heard such a thing, never questioned the goodness of vaccine. I just saw a connection as a mom. Mother’s intuition. And lo and behold, in the pharmaceutical manuals, there it was! Vaccine + antibiotics can mess with the system AND create resistance. So I photocopied the pages, took them into my pediatrician (at Pennridge Pediatrics) thinking it would be an ‘ah-ha!’ moment for my pediatrician (I really liked him a lot and enjoyed working with him for the health of my kids!), and thought he'd help me figure a way to keep my son off antibiotics, delay vaccines for a time, and allow his body to recover. I was horrified when the pediatrician closed the exam room door, leaned up against it blocking the exit, and said, "So you don't want to treat your son's ear infection or give him vaccines? That sounds abusive to me..."

I backpedaled and pled and convincingly told him, "No, not at all! I just wanted your opinion! Please, my son obviously needs antibiotics, AND a vaccine is even more important since his immune system is weak..." blah, blah, blah... The doctor allowed me out of the office and I hurried home, sure they would call CPS on me. Shaking, I typed out a long letter, including the pages from the pharmaceutical manual, made copies, and mailed it (snail mail) to Pennridge Pediatrics, again asking their help to form a plan. They called me up and asked for a face-to-face. I've never been more afraid!

With fear and trembling I went, worried that if I refused to go, CPS would be showing up at my door (even though at that point my children were fully vaccinated; my ‘crime’ was questioning it).  What the meeting boiled down to was that they knew all of this (about vaccines and immunity and antibiotics), but it was office protocol to 'treat the parent.' In other words, I often came in saying my son had another infection. They'd look in his ears and say it was red but not infected. I would be upset because I knew by tomorrow it WOULD be infected and I'd have to find a babysitter for my other 5 kids, come back in, pay for another visit, and get antibiotics. So they'd give in to me and prescribe. Pennridge Pediatrics was correct - they were treating me, the irate parent, every time.

Well, I never went back to Pennridge Pediatrics again and was afraid to find any new pediatrician, so afraid of CPS if I dared to ask a question concerning my child’s obvious struggle with vaccines and chronic illness. My son got tubes in his ears (which didn't work) and I went deeper into research on how to help build his resistance and to naturally fight ear infections. I had to figure this out on my own, since my doctor wouldn’t participate in the conversation and actually threatened me (though initially I sincerely wanted his guidance and input).

Imagine the stress! I was a mom with six sons ages ten and down. Life was incredibly busy, sleep was random (since son #5 was so often sick), plus now I had another baby. Son #5 was mostly vaccinated (2 1/2 years old). Son #6 had a few (he was only a few months old). And none of the rest of my kids were vaccinated according to schedule after that. But that decision was driven by my fear of my doctor’s power over me rather than an educated decision against a particular vaccine.

Next event: right around the same time, an inlaw’s 3 month old nephew died in his car seat on the way home from his well-visit after having his DTaP vax. His mom went to get him out of the seat - and he was dead. She tried to do CPR, to no avail. It was later found that he had an anaphylactic reaction to the Pertussis part of the vax. And because my family's kids were cousins - blood related - they were no longer allowed to have the P in DTaP. Just DT. Just in case.

Next event: Shortly around that same time a friend of ours won a lawsuit because her son, who is now profoundly, non-functioning autistic, became autistic by the MMR vaccine. He had celebrated his 2nd birthday - which was on video - and it was obvious that he could interact, make eye contact, control his movements, talk, open gifts, feed himself, follow instructions, play games, do crafts, and everything a bright two-year-old does. But then he had his MMR vax, went into seizure and lost all ability to do any of that overnight. Even though it is “research-claimed” that “there is no link between vax and autism,” my friend won a lawsuit because her son became autistic because of an MMR vax.

Next event: Another friend had just had her first baby. He got his HepB vax in the hospital on the morning he and his mommy were discharged. That evening he died 'of SIDS.' My friend was sure it was vax related - he was perfectly healthy, breastfed, slept on his back - but she could never prove the link. The official cause of death was Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

I could give you the names of each of these people. They are real people that were in my life. These are real events that actually happened and have profoundly changed their lives forever.

As you can imagine, this had a profound effect on me. Before there was google and internet research and anti-vaxxers, I started researching in the library, reading books, and so on. I talked to my family doctor, Dr Detweiler (I never took my kids to a pediatrician again, I was so traumatized by my first pediatrician), and I asked him his educated opinion on vaccines. He admitted that he was bound by protocol to not express any personal concerns (oh, wow!!), but to encourage patients to vaccinate. However he also confessed that he would tell me about ONE vaccine that really bothered him. The HepB.

Dr Detweiler told me that regardless of what they say about how easy it is to transmit, the truth is that HepB is a sexually transmitted disease that's hard to pass on UNLESS you're dabbling in risky behavior. However, when they tried to market it to junior high kids and their parents, "Hey, if your kids are sexually active or shooting up drugs, they really need this vax..." the ads fell flat. No kid is going to admit to their parents that they're sexually active or doing drugs; and parents assume their kids aren't (at least back in the day). Health officials realized they had to vaccinate the crowd by vaccinating babies on day one, since some babies are born to sexually active teens with HepB. It was this philosophy that made Dr Detweiler uncomfortable. Vaccinate the herd (his words) to make sure the sexually active ones don't spread the disease. His endorsement (or lack thereof) was enough for me. I never questioned getting HepB vax again. One possible death (my friend’s baby) plus a doctor's hesitation...It was a NO for me.

I truly, truly understand why parents choose to vaccinate. I WAS that parent! I am not anti-vax. I AM anti-ignorance (meaning it bothers me no end - when people refuse to have a conversation and just shut you down - or yell or bully without responding to a thoughtful question). Parents - like my friend who lost a living breathing baby - her first baby - should NEVER have been brushed off or belittled when she questioned if it was possible that the HepB vax killed her child. She never vaccinated another child as a result (because not one doctor took the time to actually talk to her and help reframe her experience; they just pooh-poohed it because vaccines are "totally safe"). A link? Merely anecdotal evidence? We'll never know because she wasn't allowed to ask the question.

My next insightful conversation came when when my 9th child nearly severed his toe in an accident in 2010 and was hospitalized at CHOP (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia). He was there for 9 days and had a total of 4 surgeries. His team was made of 4 doctors: an orthopedic, an infectious disease doctor (my son had e-coli in the wound), a plastic surgeon (much of the toe tissue rotted away), and the hospital pediatrician. His pediatrician was my favorite - a man from India with a thick Indian accent - and so very kind. When he realized that Caleb was unvaccinated, he made it known to the team. He later told me that the infectious disease doctor was was also the head of infectious disease for all of the eastern seaboard and she was on a rampage. She was furious that a 'dangerously unvaccinated' child was in her hospital, so she put him in isolation. She was planning an angry confrontation with me. Thankfully, the pediatrician liked me enough to warn me to be ready.

Once again, I was terrified! But the kind doctor from India took the time and asked me why I wouldn't vaccinate my child. I explained I wasn't really anti-vax, just vaccine cautious. And I explained the long story to him - the same story I just explained to you. And he sat and listened. And he told me, "You are absolutely correct, vaccines are risky. I admit this. But so is disease. You would know this if you lived in India." I told him I appreciated that, but I DIDN'T live in India. And he said, "That is true. You live in America where your child is safe. But the only reason your child is safe is because all the other parents around you have risked their children in order to save everyone. Do you think it's fair that you alone get to be risk free? The only reason you are risk-free is because everyone else assumed the risk for you."

I mean...WOW! Sure, that's an emotion-packed argument. It's also a blatant admittance that vaccines ARE risky. It's not fair that my kids are safe from vaccine injury AND disease because everyone else submitted their kids to the risk of vaccine injury. Just...WOW! (While he was in CHOP, I did consent to a tetanus shot for my son because of the nature of his injury. That seemed wise and appropriate to me at that time.)

Zero Risk’ Is Not An Option

Medical autonomy means I get to choose which risk I will assume. True autonomy can only happen if I’m fully educated to all sides of the issue as well as the risks and benefits of both sides. There are no risk-free options. ‘Zero risk’ is not an option. But who will choose the risks for you and your family? Your doctor? The government? You? And if you are that one-in-a-million who ends up facing death because of your choice, whether from vaccine or disease, everyone from the other side will jump on you and say, “you should have listened.” But there is no grace for the imagination nor for the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlies.’ I educate myself and choose the best option for us, based on my understanding and the Holy Spirit’s leading, knowing He gives ALL grace for everything I face. And then I rest in His sovereignty.

Over the years all my unvaccinated kids ended up getting vaccines for various reasons. One stepped on a rusty nail at a farm and her foot swelled up. Our family doctor gave her a tetanus shot while telling me that it likely wasn't tetanus (because tetanus is almost non-existent), probably just infected. Most of my kids went on mission trips which necessitated vaccines for diseases in the locations they were heading to. My kids get vaccines when circumstances necessitate it.

Anyway, I know this was long and crazy. It's hard for me to not be passionate about the subject - both the idea that I'm vaccine cautious, not anti-vax, but also - that I want autonomy and to be taken seriously when I ask a question or raise a concern with a doctor - not be threatened with CPS! I want doctors to understand my fears and to actually have an intelligent conversation with me (like the kind pediatrician at CHOP), not yell at me. IF my information is incorrect or I've framed it in an incorrect way, I want them to explain why and to help me reframe my experiences correctly. But very few have taken the time, and those that did take the time have all ended up affirming what I already learned and believed.

If you've read this far, my prayer would be that you continue to look into the need, efficacy, timing, and safety of each vaccine and allow the Lord to lead you. Choose your pediatrician or doctor wisely - someone you can actually talk to over the years as things come up and who isn't afraid of an honest question.

So that’s my story. It’s not medical advice. It is just my story and common sense for MY kids and our family. My hope is that at the very least you will check out some of the resources and links provided here so that you too can make an educated decision that best protects your family.